@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

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@thepaulahunt

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

@Ryanfc706

After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.

@KeetPotato

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@PostCultRev

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

@TheTalkingPipe

The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.

@LoriLuvsShoes

My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

@iSamJack

It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.

@karanbirtinna

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!