My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
You Might Also Like
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“Huge”.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..