Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
@funTweeters I am at your service….
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
yeah not falling for this one
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.