Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
There is no “ea” in Tim.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*