DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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real
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
just witnessed a drug deal
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze