dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Don’t make me out nice you.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”