@WildeThingy

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

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@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

@mrsjohngoodman

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

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@Social_Mime

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

@cravin4

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@Megatronic13

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

@ArfMeasures

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

@Lisabug74

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.