@WildeThingy

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

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@michaeljhudson

What sound does a cow make?
“Moooo”
Good, a duck?
“Quack”
Good, how about a seal?
“My power my PLEASURE MY PAIN, babaaaayyy

@Cheeseboy22

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@Kendragarden

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@armyVet1972

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

@Darlainky

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*