*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”


I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It


Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.


Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician


My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people


If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.


Mmmh, the wetness…don’t stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers…I love the way you rub my head.

–me, getting a shampoo at the salon


My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.


Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard