@TheAlexNevil

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

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@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

@TheHyyyype

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Wow, 5k followers
Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said?
Me: Ya
Wife: Then aren’t they really MY followers?
Me: *drinks heavily

@TheCatWhisprer

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

@justabloodygame

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

@JayCee302

A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

@In_Twittaland

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.