When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*
“Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?”
“People say I’m too hospitable.”
“I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight