@TheRobCee

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

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@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

@iamspacegirl

If Facebook Was Real

me: cool shirt Brian
Brian: thanks

[hours later, a knock at my door]

me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt

@CAshmanActor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

@LurkAtHomeMom

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

@Gooooats

*uses a bomb disposal robot to open a tube of crescent rolls*

@ibid78

“Ok last interview question. Biggest weakness?”
“People say I’m too hospitable.”
“I see. So should I stop sitting on your lap?”
“Your call.”

@walks_on_legs

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight