Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt