dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*