[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Cucumbers Anonymous