Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
You Might Also Like
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Well, shit
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”