@Kerfuckus

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

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@KKAlThani

I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

@rz0ndy

My hell is a giant Bath & Body Works store …where all the women answer yes/no questions with “stories”.

@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@Playing_Dad

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit