Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!
Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.
Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”