@Kerfuckus

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

You Might Also Like

@_steamy_mac

Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.

@PinkCamoTO

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

@notfaizzy

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

@GrillinChillin9

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

@KentWGraham

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

@khook32

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.

@TheMichaelRock

Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.

@_ElvishPresley_

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”