Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.