@cwhudson

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

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@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

@brianbowman73

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

@SJKSalisbury

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

@jordan_stratton

WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”

@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

@chuuew

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.