[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn