I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.