peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus