Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
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Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.