dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .