@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

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@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

@iamspacegirl

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

@10kbabyspiders

You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

@splendidcynic

I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?

@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

@Reverend_Scott

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

@JohnLyonTweets

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.