My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
GENE: hi kev
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.
Me: Aren’t you adorable.
Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage
Me: for the last 7 years
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.