Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.
I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
I came this close!!!!
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.