Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.