Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?