Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?
Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
No Microsoft, I don’t want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I am wearing a jacket, because my mom felt cold.
me: [making a chicken salad]
chicken: thanks i love salad