MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN’, THE DOG IS REAL
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Hub:…his dream, not mine
I’m ready for Halloween this year
hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair
When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I’m gone
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Not having sex till I have kids
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars