@FunnyBison

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

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@laurenmacdonald

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?

Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@geowizzacist

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

@bedroombazooka

No Microsoft, I don’t want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@Sophie2078

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

@KyleSmells

me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad