DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office