DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
cat vs inanimate object
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Who knew!
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders