@climaxximus

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

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@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

@UnFitz

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.

@AnniemuMary

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

@shutupmikeginn

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

@Mostly_Cheese

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

@ehdannyboy

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

@vincevangone

I am “knows everything about Aardvarks because Mom bought an encyclopedia,” years old.

@IntoxicaTweeted

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.