[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy