Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
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detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone
Me: Lol you mean the friend zone
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl