@TheAlexNevil

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

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@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@TweetsByKaylee

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@BlindChow

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

@tsm560

Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@Mostly_Cheese

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

@robin_991

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@InternetHippo

me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl