Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My whole life was a lie.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
jesus, what did this guy do
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”