Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*puts my mental health in rice
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.