Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday