Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically