@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

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@writeden

Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@70Ceeks

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

@huntigula

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

@_mindflakes

Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory

@HansGrubertron

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

@sixfootcandy

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked