Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
You Might Also Like
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
It’s the weekend y’all
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.