After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
You Might Also Like
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?