@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

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@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

@Eatingyourwords

cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@AristotlesNZ

So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
“Rings?”
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”
-India

@bartandsoul

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

@TheCatWhisprer

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

@GrillinChillin9

You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

@sonictyrant

girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.