Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.