Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

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7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014


cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape


You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier


So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”


8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles


No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.


You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.


girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!


I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.