[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Dogs are straight up disrespectful the way they yawn in your face when you’re petting them. I’m petting you, is this not enough for you?
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[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“You list communication as a strength”
“Care to elaborate?”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really