By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Not now brain…
…this is a job for stupidity.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.