Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

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By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.


Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.


Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.


My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it


*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*


[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha


[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
lemme see


After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.