I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.