Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk