My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl