Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Blew my mind.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.