@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

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@notbedelia

If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.

@jacob_swift16

Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot

@PaperWash

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

@1_swarthy_dude

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@EndhooS

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature

@holypurgatory

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

@JohnLyonTweets

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.