@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

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@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

@adamjest

*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

@karlainvt

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.