Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants