If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”