Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
omg leave her alone
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.