@HomeProbably

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

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@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

@_stylr

paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy

@AddledPixie

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@Marlebean

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@copymama

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

@AndrewNadeau0

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.