@HomeProbably: Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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@markleggett: I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
@UncleDuke1969: [first date] ME: Do you want children? HER: Yes! ME: Me too. HER: That’s great! ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those? HER: What- ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
@ClichedOut: What should we call our new store? "Will we sell pottery?" No. "Is it in a barn?" No. "Let's go with Pottery Barn." Hell, I love it Carl.
@GuyThe_Guy: "Is there a Mr. Fields?" I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she's all mine.