A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.