I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
step 6: release the wall snake
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.