Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
why no one uses midhusbands
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.