dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I鈥檓 just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it鈥檚 pastrami
Mario: you鈥檙e a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i鈥檓 gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don鈥檛 worry i鈥檒l jump off before I get hurt.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
cyclists
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I鈥檓 going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn鈥檛 look up* OK.
Me: I鈥檓 going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[man who won the lottery]: here鈥檚 why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 馃憞馃У
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we鈥檙e going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.