[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
You Might Also Like
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Rooting for the overdog
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.