I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Labreador
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.