[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You Might Also Like
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Dishonest mechanic?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun