[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You Might Also Like
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?