[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Worst perfume name ever.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
birds and squirrels envy us
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Mood.. 😂
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both