[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
He took my last fry, your honor
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
What if all the cashiers are married?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?