Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
You Might Also Like
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
any last words?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.